With Cream and Sugar

Rule: A coffee shop should always have coffee available. 

It Tastes Like Burning

Rule: If you have Ed Burns in your movie, don't make it worse by having his character narrate throughout the movie. 

Psychic Hotline Thinks You're Full

Rule: Don't keep saying, 'That's exactly what I put you on," at a poker table after you won a hand. Especially if you only say that right after your opponent told everyone what he had.

Face Job

Rule: If you get spiked on the face (or any other part of your body) playing volleyball, it's your own fault. 

Midtown Madness

Rule: It's OK to not drink green beer and puke all over the sidewalk on St. Patrick's Day. 

Hairs of the Dog

Rule: If three drinks don't cure a hangover, go for number four.

No Offense

Rule: If you insist on calling people you don't know well 'motherfucker,' and like to pretend that's a term of endearment, then at least hide your weird-repressed-anger-thing better when you speak so people think you're only half the asshole that you really are. 

White, Blue

Rule: The type of tie knot (windsor, half-windsor, four-in-hand, etc.)  one uses should be determined by the shape of your dress shirt collar, not the shape of his head. If you want to play that game, you need to determine what type of knot is most flattering to your overall body shape (not just the head) and wear dress shirts with the appropriate collar for the type of knot. 

The Greens Are OK

Rule: Never touch another man's gravy without asking. Actually, just don't touch it at all. 

It's Not Supposed To Match

Rule: Don't match the color of your sneakers to your t-shirt. Especially if they're both red. Very especial if the sneakers are Pumas. You'll look you're on a sports team. From clown school.

In The Army Now

Rule: Don't work out at the gym wearing camouflaged cargo pants. Even in the Army they wear shorts in the gym.

No Teabagging

Rule: Always throw out tea bags before placing used mugs in the sink. No one likes to finger another man's soggy tea bag.

Maintain Radio Silence

Rule: Refrain from using any form of communication device during an inebriated cab ride home. Think about what to eat for breakfast instead. 

Many Over One

Rule: Don't form a single line at the grocery store when multiple registers are open. 

In Case of Emergency

Rule: When leaving a coffee shop with a cup of coffee, always take a napkin with you. You never know when you might throw up said coffee and need to wipe your face. 

Don't Hold Me

Rule: When falling down while ice skating, never grab for the nearest person in a panic to hold yourself up.