No One Cares About the Tree

Rule: Stop screaming 'Free t-shirt!' inside a crowded bar because you happened to win one from a giveaway. People let the first one go because it's just dumb. After that we're all plotting to hurt you. And so are your embarrassed friends.

For the Last Time

Rule: If you can't tip at least $1 per drink ordered, then stay home. You're too poor to be out.

We Know You're Classy

Rule: You really don't need to hold out your pinkie drinking a PBR tallboy.

Move Get Out Da Way

Rule: When driving on the left lane of a highway, a high-beam signal from the vehicle directly behind you means you should move over to the right lane and let that vehicle pass as soon as feasible. That's all it means.

Psyche

Rule: If you ever pull the fake-tipping routine, (where you motion pulling a bill out from your wallet long enough for the bartender to turn around) you should immediately get shat on by an animal. Preferably by a large bird or a donkey.

Thong Thong Thong Thong Thong

Rule: No flossing your teeth in front of your friends and strangers at a bar. Can't believe this has to be a rule.

First!

Rule: Just because you mentioned her first, doesn't make her 'yours'.

Don't Mess with Jesus

Rule: Don't come bowling with only $12 when you don't know most of the people you're going with.

Electrolytes

Rule: If you drink someone else's Gatorade, it should be replaced before the owner knows about it. Preferably with a large size than original for even touching someone else's Gatorade.

Happy And Sad

Rule: If you keep acting like a clown, then you are, in fact, a clown.

Bedazzled!

Rule: A man does not wear clothing that glitters.

Really?

Rule: If you're a physical laborer, stop mentioning how tired you are, multiple times, to garner sympathy and perhaps coax more tip after the job is done. Tacky.

Kind of Like Being Classy

Rule: Don't use the phrase, '... but because I'm a gentleman...' to describe yourself.

2010

Rule: Stay away from Atlantic City for the rest of 2009.

Gong Show

Rule: Stop crying about it. It's boring.

Grow Up

Rule: Adults shouldn't twitter from their cubicle using magnetic alphabets.

The Whole Drink, Please?

Rule: Never go back to a place that charges $10 for a shot of Jameson served in a plastic cup.

It's Got Mad Hops

Rule: Don't wear the hoodie from last night if it's the same hoodie you toweled beer off of you and friends.

Coca? Cola! Coca? ...

Rule: If you order coke from your dealer and agree to meet him at a bar, then you should at least recognize your own coke dealer when he shows up. *I didn't order coke. Just sayin'.

Unless It's About Malcolm

Rule: If you're hanging out with someone, try not to mention your 'ex' even just as a point of reference for an anecdote, five or six times a night. It's boring and no one cares. 

Why Can't I Ever Say What I Really Mean?

Rule: It's always OK to watch the remainder of Point Break if you happen upon it while flipping through the channels. 

Platinum

Rule: If you go around the neighborhood calling yourself 'Gold,' then you can't have a silent friend called 'Silver' in tow who wears sunglasses at night and carries around a walking stick. 

I'm Sorry, Have We Met Before?

Rule: If you end up in the same coffee shop with the person who just returned to you the money you dropped on the street, then at least offer to buy that person a coffee. Instead of pretending you don't see that person by actually avoiding eye contact. Jerk. 

No, But He Did!

Rule: Don't let Lisa know if you find a $20 bill on the ground. She'll rat you out to the first stranger who walks towards you asking, "Did you find a $20 bill on the ground?"

I Can't Hear You Ever

Rule: Don't fake a loud phone call to wake the person sitting next to you on the bus just because you're bored or lonely.

Something He Worked On Between Superman and The Goonies

Rule: It's OK to never have heard of a Richard Donner movie starring Matthew Broderick, Rutger Hauer, and Michelle Pfeiffer where one turns into a wolf at night, and another to a hawk during the day. It's not OK to keep watching the movie at 3AM hoping it gets better. 

The Worst Danny Boyle Movie

Rule: If you have a car at your disposal and are within driving range of a beach, you should always have beach gear (towel, sunblock, etc) in the car no matter what the local weatherman says about the day's weather. 

Fast, Faster, Fastest

Rule: When in Atlantic City, don't break for meals. Or just stop playing poker altogether after eating. 

You've Got Mail, Maybe

Rule: If you write someone a letter, don't drunk text said person the same night: 'I sent something in the mail for you.' It sort of defeats the purpose. 

It's About Math, Really

Rule: A girl who can play volleyball is 15% hotter for it. 

Raise Your Hand If You're Sure

Rule: Try to apply your Old Spice deodorant before you get to the subway, not at the platform. 

It's the Economy, Stupid

Rule: $8 for a Bud is wrong. And probably one of the ways they're ruining the economy. 

Throw Up On Your Feet

Rule: Sketchers are ugly. 

You Got Googled

Rule: If you're going to grift, don't use your real name. People can find your wanted poster from Utah on the internet, stupid.

Dude Looks Like a Lady

Rule: A dude should not wear his coat resting over his shoulders like a lady. 

Matching Madness

Rule: If you match your belt color to your shoes, don't do it if the color's red. You look stupid. 

But They Make My Ankles Look Slender

Rule: If you match the color of your socks to what you're wearing, they should match the pants, not the shoes. 

Apples and Oranges

Rule: A service foot-fault in volleyball is NOT the same kind of mistake as a serve that goes out of bounds. A foot-fault can be avoided very easily. 

Cats and Dogs

Rule: If it's pouring rain and you don't have an umbrella, walk into a bar and order a drink. Tip an extra dollar or two and ask the bartender if they have any extra umbrellas. The answer is almost always 'yes.' 

It's Not the Bullet, It's the Hole

Rule: Half dozen donuts at 9PM is always a good idea.

Return to Sender

Rule: If you say it's been mailed, it should really have been mailed. 

With Cream and Sugar

Rule: A coffee shop should always have coffee available. 

It Tastes Like Burning

Rule: If you have Ed Burns in your movie, don't make it worse by having his character narrate throughout the movie. 

Psychic Hotline Thinks You're Full

Rule: Don't keep saying, 'That's exactly what I put you on," at a poker table after you won a hand. Especially if you only say that right after your opponent told everyone what he had.

Face Job

Rule: If you get spiked on the face (or any other part of your body) playing volleyball, it's your own fault. 

Midtown Madness

Rule: It's OK to not drink green beer and puke all over the sidewalk on St. Patrick's Day. 

Hairs of the Dog

Rule: If three drinks don't cure a hangover, go for number four.

No Offense

Rule: If you insist on calling people you don't know well 'motherfucker,' and like to pretend that's a term of endearment, then at least hide your weird-repressed-anger-thing better when you speak so people think you're only half the asshole that you really are. 

White, Blue

Rule: The type of tie knot (windsor, half-windsor, four-in-hand, etc.)  one uses should be determined by the shape of your dress shirt collar, not the shape of his head. If you want to play that game, you need to determine what type of knot is most flattering to your overall body shape (not just the head) and wear dress shirts with the appropriate collar for the type of knot. 

The Greens Are OK

Rule: Never touch another man's gravy without asking. Actually, just don't touch it at all. 

It's Not Supposed To Match

Rule: Don't match the color of your sneakers to your t-shirt. Especially if they're both red. Very especial if the sneakers are Pumas. You'll look you're on a sports team. From clown school.

In The Army Now

Rule: Don't work out at the gym wearing camouflaged cargo pants. Even in the Army they wear shorts in the gym.

No Teabagging

Rule: Always throw out tea bags before placing used mugs in the sink. No one likes to finger another man's soggy tea bag.

Maintain Radio Silence

Rule: Refrain from using any form of communication device during an inebriated cab ride home. Think about what to eat for breakfast instead. 

Many Over One

Rule: Don't form a single line at the grocery store when multiple registers are open. 

In Case of Emergency

Rule: When leaving a coffee shop with a cup of coffee, always take a napkin with you. You never know when you might throw up said coffee and need to wipe your face. 

Don't Hold Me

Rule: When falling down while ice skating, never grab for the nearest person in a panic to hold yourself up.

Half It

Rule: Use only half of the recommended amount of laundry detergent per load. Everything still comes out clean. 

No, I Have None

Rule: Takeout delivery dude who shows up with no change is a liar.

Off The Grid

Rule: It's OK to misplace your cellphone once in a while. It makes you be on-time. 

GPS

Rule: If the dude has to use GPS on his phone to find his way home in the morning, then the girl should at least show him some boobs. Or something. 

Answer to Everything

Rule: When you can't decide what to eat, get soup. 

It's About the Money, Part 2

Rule: When money is borrowed among friends, the lender shouldn't have to ask the borrower about it past the agreed upon payback date. It's the borrower's responsibility. 

It's About the Money

Rule: When you ordered 5 drinks for you and your friends, it's not OK to tip $4.

For Art

Rule: In a movie, a love scene where the girl keeps her bra on is stupid. It's unrealistic and distracting. She might as well just keep her top on.

Sit to My Left

Rule: Don't ask questions or comment on the movie while it's still playing. In the theater. Just shh. 

Real Smooth

Rule: Never make a lady wait for you on Valentine's Day. Especially by a subway stop where she can see people getting out holding flowers, over and over again, none of the flowers for her. For like an hour.  

Non-pants

Rule: Leggings are not pants. 

This from someone who agrees. 

The Doors

Rule: Always hold the door open for a lady. Car doors are different though. Use judgement, and if the lady's so prissy you're expected to open the door for her to exit the vehicle (when you're in the driver's seat), she sucks.

Getting Up

Rule: When sitting in a crowded subway car, offer your seat to anyone who seems 50 and older, especially if it's a person with a vagina. It's the gentleman thing to do. Many times they say, 'No, thanks' and you get to keep the seat anyway.

A.A.

Rule: Never play poker with a dude named Paco, who's in Alcoholics Anonymous.

Inside Stays Inside

Rule: Never let an outsider in on an inside joke while inside joke is in progress (with insider) simply because an outsider overhears part of the joke.

*I failed this one recently in a panic and feel like I betrayed said insider.

Musical Chair

Rule: When getting seated at a restaurant, the girl always gets the booth/wall seat and the guy takes the chair. Unless the girl makes it known she wants the chair.

Incoming Call

Rule: If you're at a café, bar, or restaurant, and your phone rings, take it outside. No one cares that you're an actor and you might be interested in taking a part for a role that requires a southern accent.

Home Game

Rule: First time to a poker game at someone's home, refrain from acting like you know everyone, shut up, and keep the game moving.

Pants and Shoes

Rule: Brown shoes for non-black pants, including gray pants. Black shoes for black pants. Never brown shoes with black pants or black shoes with brown pants.